A Secret History Of The Bastards In The Tower

The Princes (Edward V, and Richard) in the Tower, 1483 by Sir John Everett Millais, 1878,

See, the Princes in the Tower, they weren’t murdered even though they were discovered to have been bastards, (which is why Richard, the best of men, reluctantly accepted the crown)… What happened was, they was smuggled out, see, by this bloke, who, somehow – I can explain it – turned some of the screws in the Tower and then a screw loosed them and let them out without nobody seeing, or if they saw, they never said like.

And then this bloke foisted one of them on Sir Richard Guildford, who pretended he was his teenaged son, and nobody else noticed he suddenly had an extra son, or if they did, they never mentioned it for many a gent has spawned a bastard if truth be told.

And the other, he was boated up the Thames to Sir Thomas More’s house and they pretended he was a medical student. And then, just so as nobody would suspect anything, old More wrote this alternative history of Richard III, which was a kind of conspiracy theory, saying that it was innocent uncle Dick what done it and he said stuff like he was “ill formed” to show he was wicked which was really discriminatory when you consider that we now know he was suffering from scoliosis of the spine and did pretty well under the circumstances.

And then uncle Dick was killed in battle and after that the two boys grew up and nobody said anything at all about it, and the boys never let on neither.

And the princeling who was living with Thomas More became President of the Royal College of Physicians and learnt Greek, which just goes to show he was really a prince, and although Thomas More wrote a letter to Erasmus referring to the boy as a “child” the prince was actually four years older than More, and by that time in his forties, which just goes to show how much More wanted to hide his true identity and pull the wool over the Flemish fool’s eyes.

The princeling then married at the tender age of 53 and died at the age of 98. There is even a painting of him with the More family where it says that this John, i.e. our princeling, is the true heir, which means the heir to the throne, of course, and not Thomas More’s heir.

And all this so so patently obvious that it leaves me incredulous that there yet be dullards so foolish as to vainly imagine that it could have been our most noble and best of kings, who was ever known by his friends to be a good chap, and a loyal brother to the former king, and who hammered the Scots, and helped the poor, who could have arranged to have the boys murdered in the tower, while under his protection, simply to remove potential rivals to his crown. After all, their mother never said she believed they had been murdered and there’s an end on’t.